We live in a culture that puts a great deal of value on “doing it all.” We see images of women (and men) who keep a perfect house, and have well-behaved kids, and work 40+ hours a week in a successful career, and have a thriving social life, and look damn good doing it– and we think “that’s the goal! If I can do all that, I’ll be good enough.” So we strive to do more and more to meet the ever-increasing high standards, and it gets burdensome. Exhausting.
Many of us have also grown accustomed to the message of “strength = independence.” We carry our burdens alone, because that’s what tough people do, right? We don’t ask for help, because that would mean admitting we are weak or can’t handle it on our own.
This combines to create the perfect storm. We’re exhausted from trying to be “good enough” and we’re too “strong” to ask for help.
So we do it all, and we don’t ask for help–and we start feeling like martyrs for doing so. We glorify our pursuit of “going it alone.”
But then, sooner or later, comes the resentment— the “why do I have to carry it all myself?”
And that resentment is poison to relationships.
The trouble with being the independent martyr that does it all is that it goes against how we are wired! As humans, we are pack animals by nature, and to survive we must be interdependent— meaning we rely on each other. Blame your biology for that one.
It takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to ask for help from your partner once you’re in the rut of “going it alone.” But it’s your ticket out of resentment, and (with a receptive partner) your key to sharing the load.
Want to give it a try? Here’s a quick exercise from Gottman Method Couples Therapy to start the conversation. Ideally, you would practice this with a partner, and take turns speaking and listening non-defensively as your partner speaks.
“I feel _________” (exhausted, alone, overwhelmed)
“because __________” (I spend all day at work, and then I make dinner our family, which leaves me no time to relax in the evening)
“And I need _________” (you to cook or order in dinner for one night a week)
Note: it is important to express your need without criticizing your partner– tell them how you feel and what you do want (not what you don’t want) from them.
Bonus benefit– making a practice of expressing your needs and listening non-defensively is a great way to protect your relationship against emotional disconnection and infidelity!
Want to learn more tools to re-connect with your partner and not have to “go it alone”? Contact us to see if couples therapy would be a good fit for you.
With gratitude,
Nicole